Mist Ninjas:Cost to Coast::
by Minoten
Summary: Zabuza & Haku were an infamous ninja duo until...the job cut. Now they enter the world of TALK SHOW TV where anything can happen & usually does. Tonight, we gonna crash into the moon coz this guy said it would be good PR! Say, who'd like NINJA DIET TIPS?
1. Prologue: Dinner Mystery

"SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH ATLANTIC..."

_In a darkened room in which a sonar "ping" sound resonates, Zabuza is looking out the window._

Zabuza: Haku, what's our depth?

Haku: Twenty thousand leagues, sir.

Zabuza: Take her to twenty-one.

Haku: Twenty-one! But, why?

Zabuza: Because it's more fantastical.

(Someone starts banging on the door)

Zabuza: Don't answer it. It's evil Surgeon Reef.

Haku: I'm answering it.

Zabuza: Don't. If you open that door, we'll drown.

Haku: Nani?

(Haku opens the door, and a forklift slowly drives in with a stack of lumber. It lowers the lumber by Zabuza's feet and slowly backs out, with that "backup" beeping sound. ) 

(Silence...which is suddenly interrupted by the sound of crashing, general mayhem and alarms.)

Zabuza: Wooden eels! Surface! Surface!

(Kisame, who is in the control room, throws a lever, and a Jolly Roger skull appears on the monitor)

Zabuza: Speed up! No, not that fast! (pile of lumber slides across the floor) Slow down!

(Kisame throws the lever again, a frowny-face appears on his monitor) 

Zabuza: I'm blacking out! (his voice echoes, fades away in the chaos)

(Return to lighted treehouse. Kisame is lying on the floor with eyes closed, next to the lumber pile)

Zabuza: Kisame is dead! Murdered! (more crashing, mayhem) Haku, serve the first course!

Haku: Aye-aye, Cap'n. Pudding, comin' up. 

Zabuza: The only thing we can do now is eat. And bring out my first suspect.

(Enter Itachi)

Itachi: Hello, Mr. Zabuza.

Zabuza: Itachi, Kisame's skull has been fractured. With what appears to be... (looks at pipe wrench that he is holding)... a wrench.

Kisame: (wakes up) Ugh. This dinner mystery sucks.

Zabuza: (jumps up and stomps on Kisame's head)...Which was last in my hand. In the veranda. Where I was loosening the gas pipe.

Itachi: I see, Z-Man.

(Zabuza and Itachi laugh)

Haku: (From kitchen) Is it possible we surfaced too rapidly?

Kisame: (stands up, holding a script) Rrreah! That's it. I'm not doing this anymore. This whole thing sucks.

Itachi: What sucks?

Kisame: THIS! This is what sucks! The whole thing with the sub! We're not underwater! We're in a fuckin' treehouse in the middle of the fuckin' woods! I knew this was a dumbass idea.

Itachi: Oh, man, you'd better not play that game with The Z-man, Kisame, you could get a nice Jackie Chan chop right in the back of your neck.

Zabuza: Hang on, y'all. (pulls out the pipe wrench)

Kisame: What's that for?

Zabuza: Do _not. _(hits Kisame on the head with the wrench) _Disturb._ (hits him again) **THE JUDGE! **(hits him again)

Kisame: Ow! Ow! Owww!

Itachi: Daaamn!

Haku: God, that was violent.

Zabuza: I blame... the sea.

Itachi: You need to give me a sword thing like you be running around the place with.

Zabuza: Why?

Itachi: I'm gonna use it.

Zabuza: For what?

Itachi: I might use it to cut you with it.

Zabuza: Oh. Sure.

Itachi: Give it to me.

Zabuza: I will.

Itachi: So let me have it.

Zabuza: No.

(Haku walks in, carrying a bowl of pudding)

Haku: Where do you want this-

(Zabuza knocks the bowl to the floor, with a crash)

(Silence, as Zabuza looks away)

Haku: ... um?..Captain?

Zabuza: We're in silent running here.

Haku: (Nervous giggle) Ano... o-kay...

Zabuza: **Haku!** We are in silent running! **DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF SILENT RUNNING! **

Haku: Um, you want another one?

Zabuza: (Hissing) _Silent._

Haku: Okay.

(It is)

Itachi: So why are you giving me such a hard time with giving the sword?

Zabuza: What are you talking about?

Itachi: Well Y'know-

Zabuza: Haku! Make a fire with these eels!

Haku: Hai.

Zabuza: But be quiet. We're underwater.

Haku: Um, we surfaced.

Zabuza: **YOU HANDLE THE SALADS UNTIL YOU GET KILLED!  
**

Haku: You told me to surface, so... that's what I did.

Zabuza: (not listening) Now, wood pile, did you or did you not masquerade as eels and shock Kisame with that wrench? **Answer me**! Now... what about these pocky sticks?

(There are pocky sticks scattered on the floor)

Haku: Those must have fallen out of his hair.

(Zabuza stares back in silence) 

Haku: Well, we're just making all this up, sir.

(Zabuza continues staring silently)

Haku: Why are you the only one that gets to make stuff up?

(Zabuza continues staring silently)

Haku: (sighs) Those are part of the dinner.

Zabuza: No, they're not. They're part of the plot.

Haku: They were on the menu.

Zabuza: Murder is on the menu. Look, pocky stick prints on the wrench. But what is the wrench for?

Haku: That's where you were trying to fix the, uh, gas leak, and you made it leak.

Zabuza: Is that where I got all these ideas? 'Cause they're brilliant! Hey! Break all the pipes in the sub for more good ideas!

(Zabuza breaks three more pipes with his wrench; gas fumes fill the "sub") 

Zabuza: Dive! Dive! (Klaxons sound) Haku, suck on the pipe!

Haku: Um...

Itachi: Z-Man is definitely with it.

(Zabuza puts his head inside a broken pipe; his voice, and everyone else's, becomes high-pitched) 

Zabuza: Hang on! We're going underwater.

Itachi: All right, Ninja Man. (Pause) You're a little freaky...

Kisame: (stands up, groggy) Ugh, owww... what happened

Itachi: Doing that little funny thing, you'd better watch that, man.

(Zabuza beats Kisame with the wrench)

Itachi: You don't play no games from the year 2006 and change.

(Zabuza hits Kisame three more times...the poor bastard is now either comaose or just dead) 

Zabuza: Look, I pieced it together. Kisame wasn't dead, but now he is.

Itachi: Crazy, man.

Zabuza: And then you showed up.

Itachi: Yeah, I know man, but, you know, you seem like a cool cat. You need to come and hang out with us so you can learn what that twitchin' is all about.

Haku: (Hops on the table) Aiya! Don't stand on the floor. The floor is _spoiled_... Like milk.

Zabuza: (Sitting at table) This is so goddamn weird, isn't it?

(Zabuza laughs hysterically)

Zabuza: Hey... hey, Itachi. Itachi. 

Itachi: Yep?

Zabuza: Remember when I broke the back of Minami's skull?

Haku: Minami? Who's Minami? Where... where did Minami come from?

Zabuza: I mean Kisame. Kisame was who I breaked. No, wait, no, it was Kakashi. Ah, nobody cares.

Haku: Haku cares!

(A second Zabuza appears behind the first, followed by many more)

Zabuza 2: Hey, let's go outside and do the show in the woods.

Zabuza 1: Okay.

(Cut to campfire in the woods)

Itachi: (normal voice) I just think that this is, this... this, you know, this, the way the events have occurred in the last few years, has been really disastrous for, not just people, but, you know, entertainment and, you know, many other things on the whole, and...

Zabuza: I'm not getting one good idea.

Itachi: I think that if we don't start...

Zabuza: Let's go back inside where the gas is.

Haku: Okey-doke.

(Cut to treehouse. Itachi, lying on the floor behind the desk, is still laughing hysterically. Everyone's (voice is) high again)

Zabuza: Get up, Kisame. (Throws Kisame's lifeless carcass across the room) The gas is giving me an idea. Everything I do and say should be recorded by cameras. Do you think that Walt would be interested in that?

Haku: Walt Disney is dead, sir. Like wood…

Zabuza: Who killed Walt Disney? With a wrench?

Haku: Ummmm...No one?

Zabuza: Shit. Is he gonna sue us?

Haku: Walt Disney is deaaaaad.

Zabuza: **I** **know**! Goddamnit, how many times do I have to tell you that? Hey, wood! We should build something...

(SEVEN HOURS LATER: Two boards are nailed together in an upside-down "v" shape. An extension cord is taped to one board.)

Haku: Wow. What's it do?

Zabuza: It's symbolic, Haku. Things don't always have to do things. Now, help me plug it into the wall.

Haku: Sir, uh, maybe we should just get Kisame to the hospital or something.

Zabuza: What, and just leave the eels here? That's insane.

(Kisame wakes up again)

Zabuza: What happened to you?

Kisame: I was hit with a wrench.

Zabuza: (hits Kisame with wrench again) We have to get you to the hospital. 

(Cut to a Goth rave club. Psychedelic lights flash throughout the club, silhouetting Zabuza, Haku, Itachi and Kisame. Loud Rob Zombie music plays in the background)

Zabuza: What the fuck kind of hospital is this?

(Fireballs rise in front of them) 

(Cut to Zabuza's car)

Zabuza: What the fuck kind of a hospital was that?

Haku: You just missed the turn.

Zabuza: Hold on, watch this.

(Zabuza steers the car into a canyon. It bounces and flips end over end before finally crashing to a halt. Cut to view from inside the car; we see Zabuza with flames behind him) 

Zabuza: Haku, talk to me, are you okay?

Haku: Owie...

Kisame: I'm not, ugh, I'm hurt.

Zabuza: Oh, don't worry, I'll fix that.

Kisame: Ugh, I'm passin' out.

Zabuza: We have to get you to the hospital.

(Echo and fade to black. Cut to the produce section of a grocery store. Kisame is lying on the floor)

Haku: Where are we?

Kisame: Ugh...

Zabuza: You can pick anything. Pick anything you like.

Haku: We need some flavor rice. And pudding.

Kisame: I need toilet paper.

Zabuza: Did you see the lights flicker?

Haku: (looks) Nuh-uh.

Zabuza: Look at it but don't blink.

(Silence)

Kisame: (coughs)

Haku: What are we doing?

Zabuza: Wait, did it just do it again?

Kisame: I'm gonna go now.

Zabuza: It did it again.

Kisame: Don't follow me.

Haku: Hang on, I'm going with you.

Zabuza: Not so fast. Roll call. Haku.

Haku: Bored.

Zabuza: Kisame.

Kisame: Eat me.

Zabuza: Itachi. Where's Itachi?

(Cut back to rave scene. Itachi is still laughing wildly. Cut back to supermarket.)

Zabuza: This seems like as good a time as any to welcome our first new sponsor.

(A second Zabuza walks in)

Zabuza 2: Natural gas.

(A third Zabuza is hiding behind melons, laughing. A fourth pops up behind the produce section.)

Zabuza 4: It gives you ideas.

(More Zabuzas appear, including Zabuza in a trench coat, a la Matrix. All of the Zabuzas laugh evilly)

Kisame: **SHUT UP! **


	2. Dinner Mystery Part II

(Later, back at the treehouse)

Zabuza: Where's Kisame?

Haku: He crawled into the heating duct.

Kisame: You snitchin' bitch!

Zabuza: Turn up the heat.

(Haku adjusts the thermostat; ventilation fans spin up)

Zabuza: (staring at duct) Good. (walks over to opening in the duct) Kisame, get out here before I hit you.

Kisame: No.

Zabuza: Haku and I are out here doing my damnedest to get ready to put on the best talk show possible. And you're balled up in here like a big blue fish.

Kisame: I ain't coming out, man.

Zabuza: How'd you fit in here?

Kisame: I need to be alone.

Zabuza: Did you speak with the orb?

Kisame: No.

Zabuza: Let me just break your arms. (pulls out his pipe wrench)

Kisame: No.

Zabuza: (knocks off the vent cover with the wrench) But now, it's time for you to come down and make our audience happy. (crawls up into the vent opening)

Kisame: Just get away!

Zabuza: Damn, it's hot in here.

Kisame: Get out of here!

Zabuza: I'm stuck.

Kisame: Get out!

Zabuza: I'm stuck!

Kisame: Get out!

Zabuza: Look, Kisame, now I'm stuck.

Kisame: (his eyes peering back evilly from the darkness) Get out of here!

Zabuza: Are you happy?

Kisame: GET OUT!

Zabuza: Haku, grab my ankles and pull.

Haku: (pulls on Zabuza's ankles) Just let go!

Zabuza: Come on, Haku. Kisame needs to be alone.

Haku: You have to let go, sir!

Kisame: GET OUT!

Zabuza: Come over here.

Kisame: Back off!

Zabuza: I'm gonna bite your head off.

Kisame: Get out!

Zabuza: Haku!

Haku: Your boot came off.

Zabuza: Haku, grab my ankles and pull!

Haku: I wonder if that's drinkable.

(Cut to Zabuza's living room. He and Haku are watching the show on their TV)

Haku: This goes on for a while. Like an hour.

Zabuza: But I got out, right?

Haku: Yes... but then you got back in.

Zabuza: Did you get the part where I was Zabuza, a Tribute to Evil and Sanding off People's Faces? (Echo)

Haku: No, I recorded over that.

Zabuza: **_WHAT?_**

Haku: Um, I mean... I couldn't find it.

Kisame: Then what the FUCK was the point of sanding my face off?

Haku: Aw, don't be mad. You'll find a way to cope with your freakish noselessness... maybe.

Zabuza: Bullshit!

Kisame: I shall hate you forever.


	3. Badger Badger Badger

**Gaara:** Yes! Hello, if you are watching us on other planets, I want you to know that... on Earth, I am the leader, I rule! everyone on Earth must follow me! Ha ha ha ha! (aside) Don't tell them the truth, okay guys?

(Temari and Kankurou stare)

Dramatic orchestra hit

**Zabuza:** (walks in) I'm Zabuza, welcome to the show. Joining us tonight: lunatic badger boy Gaara, and The Birthday Massacre.

**Kisame:** Hey ho, let's go! Hey ho, let's go!

**Haku:** Haku is all happy about the Birthday Massacre being here! (jams on the keyboard)

**Zabuza: **Uh-huh.(Haku keeps jamming) That's good, Haku. (keeps jamming) That's enough Haku. (keeps jamming) **_Haku_**!

(music stops)

**Zabuza: **My first guest- (DING! -one morenote interrupts)... (glares, taps cards)

(Haku stares back innocently)

**Zabuza: **My first guest is badger-boy Gaara, welcome him.

(EXPLOSION of SMOKE; Itachi appears…in Gaara's clothes)

**Itachi:** (imitating Gaara) Uh, hi, Zabuza!

**Zabuza:** GAH!

**Itachi:** Your show is lame.

**Zabuza:** Are you done, boy?

**Itachi:** I'm Gaara, interview me.

**Zabuza:** You're not fooling anyone, Itachi, we know it's you.

**Itachi:** Is this how you treat your guests?

**Zabuza:** Haku! Release the Taco!

**Haku: **Okee. (pushes button; growling noise from basement)

**Itachi:** Wait! Not the Taco!

**Zabuza: **Kisame, now!

**Kisame:** Sorry, man, boss's orders. (Throws lever)

**Itachi:** No! (Falls through trap door)

(In the pit, the walls are lined with mirrors; Itachi stares around seeing an infinite regression ofhimself)

**Itachi:** Oooh, look! It's me,seeing me, seeing me, seeing me!

**Zabuza:** Simpleton.

**Itachi:** Hi! (waves) Are you looking at me? You must be looking at me. (pause) There's no one else here...

The on-setwidescreen is suddenly replaced with that of a well…And acertain scary girl appears

**Zabuza & Kisame:** EEYYYYAAAAGH!

**Haku:** (shoots at screen with needles - it explodes)

(Silence)

**Haku:** Gawd, losers.

(Gaara walks in)

**Haku:** Hello, Gaara, welcome to the show.

**Gaara:** Hi, mist nins. How are you today?

**Haku:** I'm energized, just like a jittering woodchuck! You know, when they cling to the side of a tree, and their jaws move up and down and up and down over and over really fast gaining speed until its just a blur of vibrating gums and lips (mouth becomes a blur) ... Energized!

**Zabuza:** SILENCE!

**Haku: **...And, how are you?

**Gaara:** I'm livin' a dream, thanks a lot for having me back on the show.

**Zabuza:** We're certainly glad to have you back on the show.

**Gaara:** Although I've never been on the show before, you ...

**Zabuza:** Of course you haven't.

**Gaara:** You look pretty good.

**Zabuza:** That's because I've been lifting heavy objects.

**Gaara:** Really? Yeah, well, it shows, you look pretty cut, you look pretty buff.

**Zabuza:** Well, aren't you sweet? I like you, Gaara.

**Gaara:** I like you, Zabuza. I got a question; what's, what's your real name?

**Zabuza:** (pause) Uhmmm...

**Haku:** Susumu Momochi.

**Zabuza:** (glares at Haku)

**Gaara:** Susumu Momochi? Really? Stick with Zabuza, much cooler.

**Zabuza:** (face gets red) Er, yeah.

**Gaara:** Wouldn't really work on the babes too much in a bar...

**Zabuza:** Uh-huh...

**Gaara:** "Hi, I'm Susumu"?

**Zabuza:** I realize that! (pause) Haku's real name is Sadako.

**Haku:** (looking surprised) It is? ...Oh yeah...

**Gaara:** (laughs) Hi Sadako, how ya doin', pleasure to be on the show.

**Haku:** Oh no, the pleasure is all mine! (_Pathetic mortal! Your feeble words do not amuse Sadako!_)

**Gaara:** Haku? Do you eat your young?

**Haku:** (surprised) Uh, um...

**Zabuza:** Haku eats anything, young, old, and then some! (Haku makes faceswhile Zabuza talks) Say, Gaara is a good name! Tell us, what's your secret identity?

**Gaara:** My secret identity? Like, if you saw me in real life?

**Zabuza:** Uh...

**Haku:** Yeah, like if he saw you in real life.

**Gaara:** Uhhhhh... I.. Joey Lawrence.

**Haku:** Oooh! I've got your album!

**Gaara:** Yeah, girl, you know it's true.

**Zabuza:** I hear Blossom hates you.

**Haku:** Susumu!

**Zabuza:** Well?

**Gaara:** See, it's an issue right now, and I feel strongly about it.

**Zabuza:** You don't look very strong.

**Gaara:** Well, I may look small, but I'm pretty wiry.

**Zabuza:** Sure.

**Haku:** Zabuza, I've got a question for you, and this isn't, I'm not trying to be weird or anything, but... do you think I'm pretty?

**Zabuza:** (looks back blankly)

**Gaara:** Just like another guy to a guy or a girl to a guy?

**Zabuza:** (stares)

**Gaara: **Hey, how 'bout me? Am I pretty? (laughs)

**Zabuza:** Uhhh... Sure.

**Gaara:** Thank you. I think you're kind of handsome, Susumu. I think you're a pretty man, too. Although the chick, hmmm... I dunno.

**Haku:** (glares at him, "The Ring" music plays)

**Zabuza:** Hmmmm, I see what you mean... But on a serious note, Gaara, how would you commit crime?

**Gaara:** I think you wanna stop crime, you say a very special episode of "Blossom" where the entire cast gets ball-peen hammers in the knee caps...

**Haku:** Ooooh...

**Gaara:** I promise you there'll be a half-hour of non-violent Japan. Because everybody'd be glued to the set. "Hey, they hit Joey Lawrence in the knee cap yet?"

**Haku:** You think that could work?

**Gaara:** Well, no, not really, perhaps I, I need to loosen my pants.

**Haku:** Go ahead..

**Gaara:** (looses pants, sound of pressure escaping) Oooo! Man, I feel better already! Wooo!

**Kisame:** You should try spandex!

**Gaara:** Yeah, you know, I'm actually one of the only superheroes that wears leisure suits.

**Zabuza:** Speaking of heroes, who are yours?

**Gaara:** Wow! Um, geez, I dunno, I like all the greats, you know, Curly. I think that's what my coif actually looks like, what if Rutger Hauer and Curly Howard pounded out a baby... "Hey, Moe, I'm a replicant! Ne ne ne ne ne!" (makes Stooge hand & face gesture)

**Zabuza:** (_Replicants were the evil creation of Dr. Zin_) (aloud:) Ahem, let's see, where am I? (mumbles) Oh! Who is your arch enemy?

**Gaara:** John Tesh.

**Zabuza:** The composer?

**Gaara:** The whole man. John Tesh scares me.

**Zabuza:** Say, do you need any weapons?

**Gaara:** Yeah, what size power band are you?

**Zabuza:** Colossal! Why?

**Gaara:** Because I have a, I'm usually like a, a small power band, believe it or not, but I've been retaining a lot of fluids lately, so, probably like a medium power band.

**Haku:** How about a nice pleated skirt?

**Gaara:** Chick, you is really switching gears!

**Haku:** Come closer and call me "chick" just one more time…

**Zabuza:** Hey, it's a 15 minute show! And, we have to take a break.

**Gaara:** What's the chick's name again, I'm sorry?

**Zabuza:** Haku.

**Gaara:** Oh, yeah.

(Haku gives him another Ring-ish look)

**Gaara:** Haku. I like saying "Haku".

**Zabuza:** Haku, play me something public domain.

**Haku:** (plays something from their vast HEAVY METAL library)

**Zabuza:** **We'll be right back after this!**

**Haku:** It appears we will be right back.

:INTERRUPT FEED/(_hr-mfr-dt) (-dtk) Genii Keiki2:3.9/Phyla androgyne/ 7GenkaiAisu/3.5SamaraiumSadakoSurplus_


	4. Mushroom!

**Haku:** Because no one can stop us, the show is back!

**On the set**

**Gaara:** Barney's going to make more kids snap than Bugs Bunny.

**Zabuza:** Uh huh.

**Gaara:** A kid knows Bugs Bunny's joking around, kids think Barney's for real!

**Zabuza:** Uh huh.

**Gaara:** "I love you", you don't love us, Barney, you don't even know us!

**Zabuza:** So... I understand that you have special powers.

**Gaara:** Yes. I'm able to, uh, bend forks. With sand.

**Haku:** Wow.

**Gaara:** But only at Denny's. Any other kind of forks I don't seem to be able to bend.

**Haku:** Is this physically or mentally?

**Gaara:** Um, I do it with my mind... but you gotta look away, really, for a little while.

(pause)

**Gaara: **Haku, when I said you were pretty, I meant you remind me of Amy Lee.

**Haku:** Amy Lee?

**Zabuza:**Why do you **encourage** Haku?

**Gaara:** (laughs) Wow, Zabuza, man, crack a window, will ya?

**Zabuza:** I'd be violently sucked into the ocean.

**Haku: **How convenient, Sir, should you choose to **drown** yourself.

**Kisame:** Heh, then maybe people would tune in.

**Gaara:** Well, I think Kisame's giving us the signal to wrap it up, huh, Zabuza?

**Zabuza:** No, Gaara, that's just his way of telling me to fracture his skll.

**Kisame: **Join us for dinner after the show?

**Gaara:** Thanks, I'd love to join you for dinner, but I don't know about eating with no hermaphrodite. Don't they spit on their food first and then mulch it up and spit it back out?

"..."

**Haku:** You know, they used to **drown** red-haired babies in the old days because they thought they were the _devil._

**Gaara:** Yeah, well that, but you know, that's exactly how I eat, so, perhaps I will dine with you.

**Zabuza:** Any parting words?

**Gaara:** Haku, I want to party with you.

**Haku:** You mean with a party cake and lemonade and paper hats?

**Gaara:** Perhaps, perhaps.

**Zabuza:** Alrighty then! My next guests are Haku's favorite band. Please welcome the Good Charlotte!

(Good Charlotte appear)

**Haku:** Wait--I thought you said we were interviewing the Birthday Massacre?

**Zabuza:** Your point?

**Haku: **Did you... lie about that?

**Zabuza: **Drown the kids and shoot the neighbours! We've got a winner!

_note complete sarcasm_

**Gaara:** Haku, you're really gonna take this from him?

**Haku:** Guess so.

**Zabuza:** Whose show do you think this is, Badger Boy?

**Gaara:** Oh, no, wait. I thought of some. Jerk! Ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat-boy, low-life, butt-face, miscreant!

**Zabuza**: 'Butt-faced miscreant'?

**Gaara:** Why would you do something like that to lil' Haku-chan, Susumu?

**Zabuza:**I'm sorry, 'butt-faced miscreant'?

**Joel:** (coughs)Uh, 'scuse me... are we gonna do this interview, or...

**Gaara: **Hi, Joel!

**Joel:** (waves)

**Zabuza:** Okay then. Identify yourselves, Good Charlotte.

**Billy Martin:** Hi, I'm Billy Martin. Lead Guitarist & Keyboarder.

**Paul Thomas:** And I'm Paul Thomas. Bass.

**Joel Madden:** And I'm Joel Madden. Vocals.

**Benji Madden:** And I'm Benji Madden. Rhythm guitar & backup.

**Kisame:** And I'm Kisame Madden.

**Itachi:** And I'm Itachi Madden.

**Zabuza:** (to camera) They're not really Good Charlotte. (to Good Charlotte) So tell us about your new record.

**Billy Martin:** "The Chronicles of Life and Death", that's our latest album, it was released 2004. The album was released with two different versions. A "Life" version and a "Death" version which both came with different cover art and a special bonus track.

**Zabuza:** And it's just now coming out?

**Good Charlotte:** (all laugh)

**Haku:** Say, guys, on your third album, "Young & Hopeless", (hiccups) Ooh, too much coffee. (hic)

**Good Charlotte:** (all laugh)

**Zabuza:** Tell me about your music.

**Benji:** It's snappy.

**Billy:** It's always meant for rebellious kids.

**Zabuza:** Rebellious?

**Billy:** Uhhh, we're a bunch of punks.

**Zabuza:** Hmmm... Well, you just listen to me, you punks, I don't want any trouble from you. This is a good show. This is a clean show. This is a good clean show.

**Haku:** Snorts, notices Zabuza glaring Um, that was a hiccup.

**Gaara:** You ever get a wedgie in tights? It's not pleasant.

**Zabuza:** Uh...

**Gaara:** Hang on, gotta take a dump.

**Backstage**

**Itachi:** (to Kisame) This is going as well as the Letterman-Madonna interview.

**Kisame:** Yup.

**Zabuza:** All right then, you punks, you're musicians, make something up for me.

**Joel:** Well, how about: "way, we-we-way, wah wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah, way way way way way way-we-way."

**Paul:** "Way way way"; that's catchy!

**Joel:** It was subliminal.

**Benji:** That was, that was the instrumental part.

**Zabuza:** Ah. Uh, do the word part.

**Joel:** How about: "Zabuza, Zabuza, you're the most, from coast to coast..."

**Zabuza:** Listen, we have to go.

**Haku: **Gaara invited us to a party--with a party cake and lemonade and paper hats!

**Zabuza:** -and you can't come because you're punks and punks don't go to parties.

A giant cake suddenly crashes through the ceiling

**Haku:** CAKE! (.)

Minutes later, Gaara returns

**Gaara: **Hey, you guys got a cake!

**Haku:** It's a nice chocolate vanilla.

**Billy:** There's plates right there...

**Gaara:** Hey! Where'd you guys get that cake?

**Paul:** You want a piece of this?

**Benji:** Yeah.

**Gaara:** That's my party cake! Where did you guys get my party cake? Who gave them my party cake? I want my party cake! That was specifically definitely for Haku and me! Haku! Did you give them my party cake?

**Haku:** (with paper hat on & cake) Uh, what party cake?

**Itachi:** (with paper hat & cake) Mmmm, chocolate party cake.

**Joel:** "Way, we-we-way, wah wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah, way way way way way way-we-way. (skip) we-way. (skip) we-way (skip) we-way." (fade out)


	5. King Dead

Actually, I've never even gotten stoned. Honestly, can anyone who has actually read all of this even IMAGINE the kind of unholy madness I'd release upon this world, if I were to write whilst (to borrow your term) _"high_?"

God, I scare myself.

( Zabuza is in the air lock, outside the studio, yelling to Kisame and Itachi inside.)

**Zabuza:** **_...KING DEAD!_** And if you don't open the door and let me in, you're fired!

**Kisame:** Well, we're not opening the door. How ya like that?

**Zabuza:** Then you are completely fired!

**Itachi:** Good! We didn't want to work here anyway!

**Zabuza:** Good! 'Cause now you don't!

**Kisame:** Good! 'Cause we're leaving!

**Zabuza:** Good! 'Cause that's good!

**Kisame:** Good!

**Itachi:** Pfft! Good!

(Itachi and Kisame walk off)

**Zabuza:** Good!

(Pause)

**Zabuza:** Hey! Hey! (knocks on window) Haku! (knocks again) C'mere, kid! C'mere.

(Haku walks near by)

**Zabuza:** Open the door. I'm running out of air.

**Haku:** No.

**Zabuza:** I have candy.

**Haku:** Somebody say "candy?"

(Haku races to the door)

**Haku:** (Dressed as a school girl) TRICKA TREAT!

**Zabuza:** Press, press the blue button.

**Haku:** Yellow!

**Zabuza:** No, not the yellow--

**Haku:** Yellow button!

**Zabuza:** No...not that one.

**Haku:** It's lemony! And lemony's better than...

(They both get hurled through the air lock.)

**Zabuza:** AGGGHHH!!!

**Haku:** AAAIIIEEEEEEE!!!!

(Meanwhile, Itachi and Kisame are onstage.)

**Kisame:** Freedom!

**Itachi:** Yeah!

**Itachi:** What do you wanna do?

**Kisame:** Let's start a band!

**Itachi:** Yeah! We'll call it "Freedom"! I like that.

**Kisame:** That sucks!

**Itachi:** But "freedom" rhymes with "We from," like "We from the land of rock!"

(Kisame stares)

**Itachi:** What? It's good!

(Back at the airlock, which Zabuza and Haku are now both stuck in .)

**Haku:** Zabuza...

**Zabuza:** Shut up. (spots someone inside) Hey! (knocks on glass). You! Idiot! Open this door!

**Haku:** My pantyhose are uncomfortable...

(Naruto walks up)

**Naruto:** Did somebody just yell, "Naruto!"? (Flashes a smile; an unseen audience cheers)

**Zabuza:** Hey, come over here, buddy. Yeah, open the door. (Naruto walks to the door) Press the blue button.

**Haku:** Oh, the pretty one!

**Zabuza:** That's right.

**Haku:** But oh boy, do the yellow button!

**Zabuza:** No.

**Haku:** Yellow!

**Zabuza:** No.

(BEEP)

**Naruto:** Agggghhh!! I went flying!!! (Naruto is hurled into the air, where he flies past Zabuza's apartment.)_Believe i_-(SMAK!-slams into billboard)

(Cut to inside the apartment, where we find Itachi and Kisame. Kisame is playing guitar while Itachi stands on the TV.)

**Kisame:** Itachi, c'mon! Rip it up!

(Itachi jumps off the TV to reveal a keyboard hung around his neck. He plays a light melody to accompany Kisame's metal guitar.)

**Kisame:** I said to rock, not to suck!

(Back to set, where Naruto, Haku and Zabuza are all stuck outside the glass)

**Haku:** Why don't you just teleport in there?

**Zabuza:** No, this is what we'll do. (Naruto and Haku start walking toward the door) I will take on the form of steam and enter through the mail slot. Form of steam! Form of steam!

(Naruto and Haku walk back on set)

**Zabuza:** Form of steam. Form of steam. Form of steam. Form of steam.

(Zabuza looks at Haku and Naruto)

**Zabuza:** You've wasted all the steam!

(Meanwhile, Kisame and Itachi are still jamming at Zabuza's apartment. Suddenly, the power goes out.)

**Kisame:** Ya see that? Ya sucked all the lights out!

**Itachi:** No, I blew the fuse's mind.

**Kisame:** God.

**Itachi:** Wait!

(Itachi suddenly disappears, but Kisame misses it because he turns his head)

**Kisame:** God, you're dumb.

**Itachi:** Where'd I go?

**Kisame:** Eh, let's just make some prank calls.

(Itachi reappears)

**Itachi:** Oh, I'm back.

**Kisame:** Quit lookin' at me.

(Back to set. Zabuza starts the show as Haku passes in front of the camera.)

**Zabuza:** Greetings!

**Haku:** And greetings to you, sir!

**Zabuza:** I'm Zabuza! And welcome to the big show! Tonight--

**Haku:** And I'm Haku. I'll be your director tonight!

**Zabuza:** Yeah, good. Well, I was just--

**Haku:** Is it bad if a chicken bites you?

**Zabuza:** Did a chicken bite you?

**Haku:** Well, no. But she's gonna!

**Zabuza:** Then go away from the chicken!

(Time passes)

**Kakashi:** Hello, my peeps! Peace out!

**Zabuza:** Kakashi, just shut up and go home. Why are you even here?

**Naruto:** But did ya know...!

**Kakashi: **Actually, I was invi-

**Zabuza: **Haku, is our guest ready?

**Haku:** (facing away, muttering.) Then go away from the chicken...bleh, bleh.

**Zabuza:** Haku! Is the guest ready?

**Haku:** I don't know! I'm not in the control room! Unless this is the control room! Is it? OH GOD! MY FEET!

(Zabuza sighs, goes to desk)

**Naruto:** (singing) Where'd he go? I don't know! Where's that Zabuza? Where'd he go? To the desk!

**Zabuza:** Shut up.

**Naruto:** (high-pitched singing.) Ba-ba-ba!! BA BA BAAAAAAAA! BA BA BELIEEEEEEEEEVE IT!!!!

(The guest door starts to drop like a garage door, then gets stuck)

**Zabuza:** And now the door is actually NOT lowering. Haku?

**Haku:** Oh! I'll fix it!

(The monitor goes back up toward the ceiling.)

**Naruto:** You should interview a dinosaur!

**Zabuza:** Forget it.

**Naruto:** 'Cause I saw them once in a movie...'cause people don't see 'em!

**Zabuza:** Yep, we'll do that. Never.

**Naruto:** They don't live here.

(Camera view shows Zabuza at the desk. The shot is cut off at the neck.)

**Zabuza:** Kakashi, you ever notice the word "home" appears in a lot of songs?

**Naruto:** They live on the dinosaur world.

**Zabuza:** People always goin' home or comin' home.

**Kakashi:** I guess you're right.

**Zabuza:** They never write songs about buyin' a home, though, do they? That seems weird to me.

**Kakashi:** D'oh, Zabuza...

**Zabuza:** Hang on a second, Kakashi.

(Zabuza jumps on top of the monitor and stomps it down to its normal position, prompting loud laughter from Naruto.)

**Kakashi:** Should a... Ha! Ha!

**Zabuza:** Kakashi.

**Kakashi:** Yeah.

**Zabuza:** Have you seen that show, Kakashi?

**Kakashi:** The Dr. Katz show, that's the show you're talking about?

**Zabuza:** No, not that show, Kakashi. The show I'm talking about has skeletal dogs.

**Haku:** Neat!

**Kakashi:** Oh well, tell me about it.

**Zabuza:** Well, it's got dog skeletons with the bones that dogs do have. You know, I mean, the ones they own. That are in their body. Under the fur.

**Kakashi:** Is it that great?

**Zabuza:** Well, it hasn't aired yet, Kakashi, but I'm sure that it will.

**Kakashi:** But you obviously haven't seen it.

**Zabuza:** That's what I meant to say when I said I had seen it, is that I want to see it. That's what I should have said.

(A phone rings)

**Kakashi:** I am not taking calls right now. That's all there is to it.

**Zabuza:** But it's my phone, Kakashi. And it's 'ranging'.

**Haku: **No it isn't!

**Zabuza:** Let it ring.

**Haku:** But what if somebody's calling?

**Kakashi:** Uh, take a message.

**Zabuza:** All right. (answers phone) What's your message?

(Kisame is in Zabuza's apartment on his phone)

**Kisame:** Please! Help me! I am being attacked!

**Itachi:** (whispering in background) And you're a woman.

**Kisame:** And, uh, I'm a woman.

**Itachi:** Hang up. He'll be here any minute.

**Zabuza:** She'd be dead by the time I got there. (Hangs up)

(Zabuza's phone rings again)

**Zabuza:** Oh god. (answers phone) WHAT?!

**Itachi:** Come to your house.

**Zabuza:** You know, from now on, could you call me before the attack? 'Cause otherwise you're just wasting my time.

**Itachi:** Oh no, see, uh, I'm a cable guy.

**Zabuza:** Cable?

**Itachi:** And I'm a woman.

**Haku: **That's my shtick!

**Kakashi:** Can you tell her to call back?

**Zabuza:** Cable is important.

**Itachi:** There's some good stuff on right now. And, uh, you oughta be here watchin' it.

(Zabuza takes off)

**Kakashi:** Is he gonna come back, or is that definitely not...?

**Haku:** Who?

**Kakashi:** The guy that was right there. You know. Your master.

**Haku:** (Blank look) Hey, there's something on that chair!

**Kakashi:** What the hell kind of pills has that man been putting you on, wherever he is?

**Haku:** He's gone?! (Blinks, stares at nothing in particular) ...I'm hungry.

(Music starts as Naruto suddenly sports a giant Carmen Miranda-style hat of fruit.)

**Naruto:** Who likes Ramen?

**Haku:** I like Ramen!

**Naruto:** I love Ramen! Wooo woo woo!!

(Cut to Itachi and Kisame in Zabuza's apartment.)

**Kisame:** Now what?

**Itachi:** Uh, he's comin' here, so we should probably go there. That works, right?

**Kisame:** Eh, and crank call him here from over there.

**Itachi:** Yes! And as he picks up the phone, we'll jump out and kill him with zombies! (laughs as Kisame stares.) What's wrong with that?

* * *

Review!!! 

Review or I will, uh, I dunno. But I'll think of something! And will have much to do with cheese! (Grr!)


	6. Still King Dead

You know what's funny about life? It seems that the better my idea is, the more likely it is that it'll be ignored. Y'know those people who get - not JUST some 1000+ hits-but about that many REVIEWS? Yeah, I wanna shoot them. Sure, I get a few hits a month, but I'm still not feeling the love. So, I'm just gonna take my big plushee bunny and hide under my bed in a fetal position. Meanwhile, may my more FAITHFUL reviewers enjoy your stay. All four of you.

(Eww...I sound all Emo-y.)

* * *

(Back to the set)

**Naruto:** (singing) I'm gonna strip! I'm gonna take off my clothes! I'm gonna undress! I'm gonna take off my--

**Itachi:** (Walks in) Knock it off! (slams a guitar on the keyboard.) This ain't no Adult Swim.

**Naruto:** You coulda just turned it off.

**Kakashi:** Naruto, put your clothes back on.

**Haku:** There's nothing wrong with a beautiful body. I'm saying if you have it, it's there for a reason. Show it around.

**Kisame:** Oh ho ho, we are **_so_** taking that TV.

(Back at his house, Zabuza is watching a skeletal dog on TV)

**Zabuza:** These shows sure are something. I'm glad I'm watching them. God, I'm drunk.

(The phone rings)

**Zabuza:** (answers.) Zabuza residence! Zabuza speaking!

**Itachi:** Come back here, to the studio.

**Zabuza:** Can you hold on a second?

**Itachi:** Uh, sure.

(Zabuza holds the phone away from his ear so he can pay attention to "Circus of the Barking Dead" on the TV.)

**Itachi:** Hello?

**Zabuza:** No, I'm here. I'm here.

**Itachi:** Look, you want your cable cut off?

**Zabuza:** No! Precious cable! I will give every hair on my body for it!

**Itachi:** Then get back to the studio.

(Zabuza zips back to the studio, where the TV is missing.)

**Zabuza:** Haku, where's my TV?

**Haku:** (now has Sailor Scout outfit on-probably Sailor Saturn.) I'm a magic girl!

**Zabuza:** Yeah, I know. Where's my TV?

**Haku:** The case of the missing TV.

**Naruto:** (has his shirt off.) Ba-na-na-NAAAAA!!!

**Zabuza:** What's wrong with you?

(cut to Kisame at Zabuza's house; Kakashi is tied to a lamp.)

**Kisame:** Look at these muscles!

**Kakashi:** Wow, they're really.. bouncy.

**Kisame:** What do you mean by that?

**Kakashi:** Well, you know you're middle-age, and sometimes things settle.

**Kisame:** How dare you say that to me!

**Kakashi:** Sorry.

**Itachi:** Should I unleash the zombies?

**Kisame:** Look, man, that's just, uh, very unrealistic.

**Zabuza:** (speaking on his TV) Viewers of the world! One of you took my television! And I want it back! Haku, tell me--

(The shot suddenly switches to Naruto. Zabuza goes to the control room, where Haku is still in a Sailor Scout uniform.)

**Zabuza:** Did you get that?

**Haku:** My navel can hold a quart of bean dip.

**Naruto:** Somebody say Ramen?

(Music starts and Naruto again pops up wearing his giant Carmen Miranda fruit hat)

**Naruto:** _Who likes Ramen? BELIEVE IT!_

**Zabuza:** Shut up. Shut up NOW or I will CARVE ALL BUT ONE OF YOUR HEARTS OUT!

**Naruto:** Believeitbelieveitbelieveitbelieveitbelieveitbelieveitbelieveit-

(Zabuza bludgeons him with a chair)

(The monitor cuts to Kisame)

**Kisame:** So, Z-Dude, we meet again! (Laughs)

**Zabuza:** Kisame, someone stole my TV, and it wasn't me! 'Cause it's mine! You get me?

**Kisame:** We have your guest!

**Zabuza:** And my TV!

**Kisame:** And we have many demands that are very unreasonable!

**Itachi:** And disorganized! We have to sort them out and prioritize! 'Cause some of the demands maybe aren't as strong as others, and still others aren't as outrageous so they go in a separate box and the what, uh...from the...uh...

**Kisame:** Just give us two weeks!

(Two weeks later. Kisame lands in the control room holding a tape, which Zabuza grabs)

**Kisame:** Here.

**Zabuza:** Thank you.

**Kisame:** You're welcome.

**Haku:** You're welcome! No, you're welcome! No, you're welcome!

(Zabuza cuts Haku off by playing the tape in the control room monitor. He searches through the tape.)

**Kisame:** Keep goin'.

**Zabuza:** Okay, Aunt Grabby, here it comes.

(A movie preview-style screen pops up with a warning:)

The following preview has been approved by all aliens in the Intergalactic Motion Picture Empire.

This motion picture has been rated U due to unreasonable demands.

**Announcer:** They came from different worlds, then they kidnapped Kakashi and took him to someone's apartment. And that's when they made...**_Unreasonable Demands!_**

**Kisame:** (Dressed as Silent Bob) I want a pet I can love, but I don't want to take care of it!

**Itachi:** (As Jay-duh!) Okay, we rollin'?

**Announcer:** Only one thing can stop them, and that thing doesn't exist. Yet.

**Kakashi:** Well, I just...

**Kisame:** You get nothing!

**Kakashi:** Would you let me go on? I mean, why interrupt?

**Itachi:** 'Cause we're rude!

**Kakashi:** Can I have my book back?

**Announcer:** **_Unreasonable Demands!_**

**Kisame:** We get it, or he gets it! Or you get it! Ya get it?

**Announcer:** "Get it" - this Christmas! **_Unreasonable Commands!_** This film is not yet rated.

(Graphic on screen reads: This film is not yet rated. X55 approval pending - content insured Contact - Giftdistel, Juggler of the Stars)

**Naruto:** I'm goin' to the movies!

**Haku:** Me too!

**Zabuza:** Wait a bloody minute! Computer, zoom in.

(Computer zooms in on bloody dolls, filled with rat entrails, nailed onto Zabuza's wall.)

**Automated Voice:** Enhancing. Enhancing complete.

**Zabuza:** Those are the dolls I filled with rat entrails! It's like they filmed this tape recording in an exact replica of my apartment. Wait a minute! They must be in my apartment! But...

**Automated Voice:** ZOMBIE.

**Zabuza:** How'm I gonna get in there?

**Automated Voice:** SHOP.

**Zabuza:** Wait a minute. I have the keys. Perfect!

(Cut to Itachi in Zabuza's apartment.)

**Itachi:** Maybe what we oughta do, is we die, and then we come back as zombies.

**Kisame:** Just give the whole zombie thing a rest, all right?

**Itachi:** But zombies don't rest, see? That's the beauty. They feast on living brains.

**Zabuza:** ATTENTION!

(Zabuza is standing outside his apartment speaking through a megaphone.)

**Zabuza:** I HAVE THE KEYS! IT IS MY APARTMENT!

**Kisame:** Oh no, the keys!

**Zabuza:** IF YOU'RE WATCHING MY CABLE, PLEASE DESCRIBE WHAT'S ON!

**Kisame:** What about our **_unreasonable demands?_**

**Zabuza:** YOU DIDN'T LIST ANY. LOOKS LIKE YOUR MOVIE IS GOING DIRECTLY TO VIDEO. VIDEO HELL!

**Kisame:** Oh yeah? Well, we're sending out in pieces!

**Zabuza:** THAT'LL BE FINE. JUST DON'T TOUCH MY TV, OKAY? OR YOU'RE (coughs)KING DEAD! (Clears throat) SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU ALL WATCHING?

**Kisame:** Hang on. It's, it's on, but we're not watching it.

**Zabuza:** YOU'RE WASTING IT! I'M COMING IN!

(Zabuza enters his apartment, where Itachi and Kisame are standing with lampshades on their heads.)

**Zabuza:** Hmm. These aren't my lamps. These have feet. This must not be my apartment.

(The "lamps" laugh)

**Zabuza:** C'mon, Haku. We'd better go get a new apartment.

(Cut to Burial Ground Apartments - Now Renting. Zabuza and Haku are standing inside a spooky, cursed apartment with a toaster, a boot, a scary photo, a book called "How to Grow Smarter by Eating Child Geniuses" flying around them.)

**Zabuza:** I'm not going to let them get me. I'm not. I'm not gonna let them get me.

**Haku:** I could use a hug.

**Zabuza:** And I could use an ass-load of Sake. Do I ever complain?

**Haku:** Well-

**Zabuza: NO!**

* * *

If you actually made it this far, I commend your endurance. 

Your first instinct is to probably thrust your head against a hard surface repeatedly in a violent manner. Normally, I'd be more than content with this response, but for a change, might you find me worthy of your reviews? Pretty please? (Don't make me beg).

If you do review, I am forever in your debt, merciful one.

If you do not review, may you be trapped in a phone booth with an incontinent hippo.


	7. Pip the Mighty Squeak

Look, I'm bloody serious. Review or I'm unleashing the Taco on your ass.

* * *

**Kisame:** (backstage) Time to get the freaks... Think I'll use my NASA voice. **"Ten seconds to air, return to the set... T minus 10 seconds and counting... 10... 9... 7... 6... 9..."**

(Backstage, where Haku watches T.V.)

**Zabuza:** What are you watching?

**Haku:** (watching "The Scary Monkey Show") Huh?

**Elves**: (_singing on TV)_ Bow down... bow down... before the power of Santa! Or be crushed... be crushed... by his jolly boots of doom! (Monkey runs up and mauls the elves)

**Zabuza:** That's one horrible monkey.

**Haku:** Look! Someone gave me soap. (holding up bar) It's got lavender.

**Zabuza:** Uh-huh.

**Haku:** That your new book?

**Zabuza:** What?

**Haku:** Is that your new book?

**Zabuza:** Shut up, I'm reading my new book. (Haku walks off) Where you going?

**Haku:** I got a Grow-Your-Own-Bunny Kit!

(LATER In a laboratory area; sign outside room reads "DO NOT ENTER / EXPERIMENT UNDERWAY". Haku is in the room, reading directions)

**Haku:** "Now you've created an adorable home for your Bunnies... open the pouch labeled "Bunny Pellets" (rip!) and pour into the bowl (pours), in just minutes your little Bunnies will flourish with life!"

(On the set)

**Itachi:** _Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona ah-ah._ (his eyes flash, show spirals)

**Kisame:** What the hell is that?

**Itachi:** It's a spell from my new book, "The Joy of Incantations". _Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona ah-ah._

**Kisame:** What's it do?

**Itachi:** It gives me power over Zabuza's mind. _Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona ah-ah._

**Kisame:** It's a small spell.

**Itachi:** He's got a small brain. _Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee..._

**Haku:** (still in laboratory) "Soon you will be able to observe your Bunnies as they make families, have dinner, purchase fine autos and perform other daily life activities all within the domain of the Bunny bowl..." Wow!

**Zabuza:** (Outside lab door) HAKU!

**Haku:** I have to go, Bunnies. Here, have one of my SUPER HAPPY SPECIAL PILZ! (Takes out a bottle of Lithium) (splash!) (fizz...)

**CAMERAS ROLL…**

**Zabuza:** Joining us on this show, rap artist Schooly D and funny man "Weird Al" Yankovic. Say hi to the band, they're right over there, getting stoned while we're filming live. (points)

**Kisame:** Bite me.

**Zabuza:** My first guest is Schooly D.

**Schooly D:** I kinda figured that out.

(Itachi's eyes spin with evil hypnosis)

**Haku:** Itachan, what's wrong with your eyes?

**Itachi:** Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona ah-ah.

**Zabuza:** (scoffs) You call that sharingan? I see what you're doing. If you want to control my mind your eyes need to spin counter-clockwise!

**Itachi:** Oh yeah! Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona ah-ah. (Itachi's eyes immediately spin in the other direction)

**Zabuza:** Hi Schooly, how are ya.

**Schooly D:** What's up man? I'm alright, I'm alright. How you doin?

**Zabuza:** Fine fine fine. Where'd you get the hat?

**Schooly D:** Uh, I got it from the Village of Zurf.

**Zabuza:** You don't say. Schooly…

**Itachi:** Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona...

**Zabuza:** (reads with difficulty) Original-Gangster-in-the-house...

**Itachi:** ... ah-ah.

**Zabuza:** (makes gibbering sounds, eyes glow, as he falls under Itachi's power)

**Haku:** Master?

**Itachi:** Say something stupid.

**Zabuza:** You wanna watch me swallow a live mollusk?

**Schooly D:** No.

**Zabuza:** I mean, tell me about your slacks.

**Schooly D:** (laughs) These are baggy jeans, you buy them three sizes bigger so they can hang off your butt.

**Zabuza:** Yeah, I saw a yard gnome once, it didn't scare me.

**Schooly D:** Yeah.

**Zabuza:** Schooly... Schooly...

**Schooly D:** Yeah, man?

**Zabuza:** Are you interested in frolicking in a leafy glade?

(Haku stares)

**Schooly D:** Well, you know, even if I was, I couldn't...

**Zabuza:** (bursts out laughing for no reason)

**Haku:** Um…

**Zabuza:** My little ninja is darling in pink! Will you please pass me one of those wall decorations? My, they look lovely. (makes gibbering sounds again)

**Itachi:** Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee

**Haku:** (glares at Itachi)

**Itachi:** …Ozona... (looks up to see an angry little Needle Ninja) Yo, wait-(Haku blasts Itachi with needles)

**Zabuza:** (sniff sniff) Smells like frozen chicken in here.

**Itachi:** Eh... Not cool.

**Zabuza:** Do you have any super powers?

**Schooly D:** Yeah, of course I got super powers because I'm Schooly D.

**Zabuza:** Display them!

**Schooly D:** I can't do that.

**Haku:** Why not?

**Schooly D:** I'm just not allowed to do it.

**Zabuza:** So you mean you don't have any.

**Schooly D:** Yeah.

**Zabuza:** So the D stands for "Defenseless."

**Schooly D:** Nah.

**Haku:** So what does the D stand for, Mr. Rapper?

**Schooly D:** It might mean Dynamite.

**Haku:** Or it might mean something pretty, like Dandelion.

**Schooly D:** The D stands for, somethin' different every day.

**Haku:** D is for Different, and Delightful. Sing something delightful, you know, with flowers and stuff.

**Zabuza:** I'm sure getting some idiot copy, aren't I?

**Schooly D:** Every time I sing something about flowers I lose some of my powers.

**Zabuza:** You don't have any powers, you need me in your posy.

**Kisame:** Posse!

**Zabuza:** (slams Kisame's head into the wall) Like I said, posse.

**Schooly D:** Uh, I can't do that.

**Zabuza:** Well then, give me a rap name.

**Schooly D:** DJ Ninja Z.

**Zabuza:** Fly!

**Schooly D:** (buzzing sound) Yeah well, you know...

**Zabuza:** (SMACK!) (squashes the fly on his desk) Dead fly.

**Schooly D:** Yeah.

**Haku:** (My bunnies!) Uh, just a minute, Zabuza! (runs off to laboratory)

**Schooly D:** Alright. It's cool.

**Haku:** (in laboratory) Bunnies? Bunnies? (looks into cage) Wait! there's one, yes! It's moving! (newborn baby sounds) Awwwww...! Hello little one. I shall name you Pip the Mighty Squeak. You are mighty small, little Pip the Mighty Squeak, and your paws are tired, but one day you will become (Echo:) Pip the Mighty Squeak: Queen of the Bunnies!

**Zabuza:** (backstage) Schooly.

**Schooly D:** Yeah.

**Zabuza:** Haku is tending the bunnies, can you wait?

**Schooly D:** No. That don't get it. I'm sorry, no.

**Zabuza:** Well, can I break your legs?

**Itachi:** Break 'em! Break 'em!

**Schooly D:** (laughs) This is crazy.

**Zabuza:** It'll only hurt once.

**Haku:** POOF! (Poofs into co-host chair) Oh-kay!

**Zabuza:** Schooly, you're the man.

**Schooly D:** Nah, you da man.

**Zabuza:** No, you're the man.

**Schooly D:** You da man.

**Zabuza:** No, you're the man.

**Schooly D:** You da man.

**Zabuza:** You are the man.

**Haku:** …and I'm…um…hee-hee, I dunno.

**Zabuza:** No, you're the abomination! Schooly's the man!

**Schooly D:** You are the man. You're Zabuza.

**Zabuza:** You're the man Schooly, live with it.

**Schooly D:** Okay.

**Zabuza:** We're out of time, leave us with words to live by.

**Schooly D:** (violin music in background) No matter how hard it seems, uh, you gotta keep going and you gotta keep trying, because as soon as you give up, the game is over with. (music ends)

**Zabuza:** (stares)

**Haku**: (stares)

**Itachi:** (stares)

**Kisame:** (bleeds)

**Schooly D:** What are y'all lookin at?

**Haku:** Your hat.

**Schooly D:** You're lookin at me like I was crazy.

**Haku:** Your hat's on backwards.

**Itachi:** Sure is.

**Kisame:** (getting up, groggily) Wha happen...?

**Zabuza:** Haku, hand me that chair…

**Announcer:** This episode brought to you by Lithium: It Makes the Bad Things Explode! Yay!

**Zabuza:** (beating Kisame shitless) We…(whack) shall return...(thud) with a vengeance!

* * *

Alrighty, ya'll know the drill. Or so I'd like to think. ( ) 


	8. Pip t3h MuTnT Squ33k

Well, I've finally come to terms with the fact that I will (most likely) never recieve more than 7 reviews per chapter. In retrospect, maybe that's not entirely unbeara--FUCK IT. I decided that I'm just going to ciber curse this piece o evil-knows-what so that any entity who passes by it WITHOUT PAYING TRIBUTE TO MY UNQUESTIONABLE GENIUS will be raped by 13 rabid howler monkeys.

Heh heh.

Howler monkeys.

* * *

**Haku:** (in laboratory) Okay... I'm all alone... Pip the Mighty Squeak? Oh, Pip the Mighty Squeak! My, how you've grown! (singing to the tune of "Flipper") _I'm Pippy! Pip-py! Faster than light-NING_! (crunch!) Owie! You could have take my freshly mancured fingernail off! Bad Pip! I'm not cleaning that up! 

(On the SET)

**Zabuza:** My next guest is "Weird Al" Yankovic.

**Weird Al Yankovic:** Hi, people of the ninja universe! Hi! Look at me, I'm on TV! Whoooooooo! Whoooooooo! (laughs)

**Haku:** Whooooooooo?

**Zabuza:** Welcome to the show, Weird Al.

**Haku:** Whoooooooo!

**Weird Al Yankovic:** Thank you! I, I, uh, I can't tell you what a intense thrill it is to be on your show, I...

**Haku:** Whoooooooo!

**Zabuza:** Sure you could.

**Haku:** Whoooooooo!

**Weird Al Yankovic:** Well, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

**Haku:** Whoooooooo!

**Kisame:** Tell him now! Tell him!

**Haku:** Whoooooooo!

**Zabuza:** Shut up!

**Haku:** I don't know how.

**Zabuza:** Hey Al, tell us about your new record.

**Weird Al Yankovic:** Oh please, Zabuza, um, I, I came on your show because I'm a, I'm a big fan, not to plug my latest album...

**Zabuza:** Wrong! Next question! Super powers, got any?

**Weird Al Yankovic:** Well, um, I can eat my own weight in Ding Dongs. I can turn red traffic lights green just by staring at them, and I can do an oil painting with my butt.

**Haku:** Oooooh.

**Zabuza:** That's enough to get you on this show.

**Weird Al Yankovic:** Yeah, times are a little hard, I guess.

**Zabuza:** So, what'd you think of Schooly?

**Weird Al Yankovic:** He's, he's a party animal, he's, he's, he's a nut, he's completely out of control, he's, he's a party in a can, he's a wacky, zany, nutty funster.

**Haku:** Whoo.

**Weird Al Yankovic:** My powers are beyond your comprehension.

**Itachi:** (eyes spinning) Do a B flat.

**Weird Al Yankovic:** Baaaaaaaaaaaa! (does a really high B flat).

**Kisame:** (joins in, slightly off key, trying several times) Baaaaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaa!

**Itachi:** Now, contort your body.

**Haku:** Baaaaaaaaaaaa…

**Weird Al Yankovic:** Okay. (contorts his body.)

**Zabuza:** What does that feel like?

**Weird Al Yankovic:** Well, it's kinda painful and it kinda feels good at the same time.

**Zabuza:** You mean like when your insane sidekick is stabbing your neck and...

**Haku:** (shivering) Oh-h-h-h-h-h!

(Itachi & Kisame stare)

(Awkward silence)

**Weird Al Yankovic:** (still contorted) Can you help me here, Haku?

**Haku:** Nani?

**Weird Al Yankovic:** Can you help me?

**Haku:** Oh, okay. (sounds of bones cracking back in place) You know, that reminds me of a story... a story about a little Easter Egg who, with a little perseverance and a lot of sheer will, became a Mighty Bunny...

**Weird Al Yankovic:** and shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

**Haku:** And you know, Al-san, that little Bunny is named Pip the Mighty Squeak.

**Zabuza:** Why the hell…?

**Haku:** I was bored. Here, Pip the Mighty Squeak!

**Kisame:** Here, fluffy rat.

(Pip the Mighty Squeak appears on the set, suddenly monstrous)

**Pip the Mighty Squeak:** Shoop da whoop!

**Haku: **Aren't you plucky! Finding your way to the set...

**Weird Al Yankovic:** Ahh! Ahhhaa!

**Zabuza: ………**Haku**….****…**what in the thirteenth level of hell did you feed that thing?

**Haku:** Just some carrots… (pause) …that were kinda glowin' and stuff.

**Kisame:** That's just a big fluffy rat.

**Pip the Mighty Squeak:** I's just a what, biotch?

**Weird Al Yankovic:** Gotta go now! (waves, ducks out of his chair and runs)

**Pip the Mighty Squeak:** Imma chargin mah lazer!

**Kisame:** Uh oh.

**Pip the Mighty Squeak:** IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZER! (shoots a mouth ray at Kisame)

**Itachi:** Jumpin' jujubes!

**Haku:** No, Pip the Mighty Squeak! Why are you doing this? I gave you life!

**Pip the Mighty Squeak:** **_ROYAL RAINBOW!_**

**Kisame:** NOOOOooooo! (gets blasted again by Pip the Mighty Squeak)

**Haku:** What have I created?

**Zabuza: **I'm sorry, Haku… There is no other choice.

(Zabuza approaches the mutant bunny, wielding his sword)

**Zabuza: **(in a low voice) That's it boy. Come get some.

**Haku:** He's a girl.

(Zabuza fires an explosive Water Dragon jutsu.)

**Pip the Mighty Squeak**: Ops I swallowd mah lazer.

**(BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM)**

(The smoke clears, Zabuza stands in the middle of the set covered in blood; chunks of Pip the Mighty Squeak fall nearby)

**Haku:** Why do we always hurt the ones we love? Why Pip? Why! Pip! Pip! _PIIIIIIIIIIIP!_

* * *

(After the show) 

**Floor Director:** Okay, that's a wrap! Break it down boys! Somebody get a hose!

**Haku:** Don't you dare! (clings to a bloody chunk of bunny)

(Zabuza puts a hand on Haku's shoulder)

**Zabuza:** (calmly) Haku.

**Haku:** (sniffles) Y-yes sir?

**Zabuza:** Are you gonna eat that?

**Haku:** (sullen) You're mean, sir.

**Kisame:** Mmmmmmmm! (crunch!) Barbecued fluffy rat!

IN MEMORY  
Pip the Mighty Squeak  
January 22nd  
21:00 pm - 21:15 pm


	9. Translation: HELP US

Okay, maybe 22 reviews isn't TOO bad, at least 0.9 of my fellow Narutards appreciate me.

...Fuckers.

* * *

メキシコ食糧のための彼の溺愛を宣言した後、Zabuzaはどんな特別な能力が"を助けるか食事療法の教祖Anko Mitarashiに尋ねます; insanity."を停止して下さい; コメディアンのゲストは堅いズボンを身に着けていることの美徳を論議し、誰かは短く、風変わりな訪問のために立寄ります。

* * *

After declaring that dotage for the Mexican food, as for Zabuza some special ability " You ask to the founder Anko of diet Mitarashi whether it helps; insanity." Please stop; The guest of the comedian discusses the virtue of the thing which learns the hard trousers, someone is short, stops for strange visit.

* * *

_Zabuza stuffs a globe into a goldfish bowl, goldfish is crushed against side of bowl_

**Zabuza:** Now do you understand my latest and most brilliant plan for earth conquest Haku?

**Haku: **I'm gonna eat that fish.

**Zabuza: **No, Haku. The fish is part of the plan.

:STATIC:

**Zabuza:** (walks in to set) Hello, I am Zabuza. Welcome to my show. Joining us on this program will be motivational speaker and ninja, Anko Mitarashi, and comedian Kevin Meaney. Say hello to my co-host, Haku.

(The band plays as Zabuza approaches his desk; The moon is small in the distance and grows larger as it approaches the windows behind Zabuza.)

**Haku:** (_pops up disguised as a bunny)_ Meow!

**Zabuza:** Before we begin, I'd just like to point out to our viewers that although it may seem like the moon behind me is really close, it's actually millions and millions of miles away. So, don't worry, we're not going to run into it or anything.

CRASH!

(The set shakes as the moon hits the studio. A siren begins to wail, the shaking continues)

**Zabuza**: Haku!

_(Haku's head pops through latched hole in ceiling)_

**Haku:** Hai?

**Zabuza:** What have you done to the moon?

**Haku:** Nothin'...

**Zabuza:** You haven't touched it? Something is broken and it's not your fault?

**Haku:** I know, I'm scared too!

**Zabuza:** Kisame! Damage report!

**Kisme:** (a la Scotty)She's breaking up! She's gonna blow, Zabuza!

**Computer: Danger! Danger!**

**Zabuza:** Got... to do... something...

**Kisame:** Zabuza, you eediot!

**Zabuza:** Wir sterben! Wir werden sterben! Alle wir sind die gehen zu sterben!

**Kisame:** Dieses zeigen Sie sich ist dumm! Haku ist eine Dirne!

**Haku:** Ich hoffe, daß Sie zuerst sterben. Bombastisches Arschloch!

* * *

(Picture dissolves into a series of static and test patterns, including one from TV-JAPAN and a hand-written sign that says "The Mist knows where you live" The camera pulls back to reveal Naruto and Sasuke watching on a monitor.) 

**Naruto:** Aagh! Change it! Aagh! Aagh! This sucks!

**Sasuke:** Uh huh, uh huh huh, this is cool. Uh huh, uh huh huh.

**Naruto:** Yeah, heh heh heh, they're gonna die, heh heh, heh heh. Fire! Fire!

(pause)

**Naruto: **Aagh! (changes channel again)

* * *

**Zabuza:** My first guest is on a mission to stop the insanity, please welcome Anko Mitarashi. 

(Anko poofs into her chair, eating a bowl of pasta salad)

**Anko:** Yup... a little salt would be good. (stands up and walks off)

**Zabuza:** Sada- Uh, Haku, what's she doing?

**Haku:** She's eatin' pasta salad!

**Kisame:** Perhaps she saw your face and decided to split, Zabuza.

**Zabuza:** Kisame, just remember who has the taxidermist on his speed dial!

**Kisame:** Oh yeah?

**Zabuza:** Wonder how a furnished SHARK would look in the den...

**Haku:** Guys, Anko's back.

**Zabuza:** Anko, welcome to the show. I take much pleasure in knowing you.

(**Translator:** _Ich nehme viel Vergnügen, an, Sie zu kennen._)

**Zabuza:** Tell us, What's your secret identity? _Was ist Ihre geheime Identität?_)

**Anko:** My secret identity? Um, well, I may as well, I may as well tell you here, sitting here with you, Zabuza. I'm really a transsexual, actually. I'm not a woman at all.

**Zabuza:** (blinks) Whoa. Deja Vu. (_Stier Scheiße_.)

**Haku: **Beißen Sie mich, Meister. Nyo. (_Bite me, master. Meow.)_

**Anko:** The real identity is me. It's, uh, about as much me as you can get, when I'm up on the stage.

**Zabuza:** So, do you have any special abilities that you use to stop the insanity?

**Anko:** Yeah, female intuition, the most powerful thing in the universe.

**Haku: **You go, girl!

**Zabuza:** Yeah, right. You talk about women taking over the world. Is this something that I'll be forced to stop in the near future?

**Anko:** (Laughs) Yeah, we're going to take over the world, so you're gonna have to battle us.

**Zabuza:** (slouching, nodding) ...Anko, you have some food in your teeth...

**Anko:** (cleans her teeth with her finger)

**Zabuza:** That's better. You were born in Australia, have you ever been snatched away by a pack of wild dingoes? (wild dingo howling sound)

**Anko:** No, I, I, I escaped the bush narrowly. Narrowly escaped the bush.

**Zabuza:** I think we have some footage of you escaping the bush. Roll that clip, Kisame!

**Narrator:** People are afraid to leave their homes. They cringe behind locked doors, trembling with fear! Wondering who the deadly 'bush' will strike next! Meantime, the hideous creatures are multiplying fast!(clip ends)

**Kisame:** (Sarcastically) Damn, that's frightening. (_Fluch, Der ist erschreckend.)_

**Itachi:** This actually isn't too bad. (_Übel hat ein neues Gesicht.) _

**Haku: **What do your arch enemies look like, Anko-san? (_Wer haßt Sie?)_

**Anko:** Any freeze-dried yogurty, malty lookin' thing. Anything white and creamy freeze-dried, stay away from it.

**Haku:** ...Kay thanks.

**Zabuza:** You must be in awe of my super colossal strength!

**Anko:** I'm in awe of any man that wears wristbands like yours.

**Zabuza:** Can you see every painful detail of my muscular physique?

**Anko:** You are a specimen! (pause) In more ways than one.

_Back wherever Sasuke and Naruto are_:

**Sasuke:** She said 'specimen', huh, huh...

**Naruto:** Yeah, heh, heh... heh, heh. I don't get it.

* * *

**Zabuza:** I was thinking of coming out with my own diet plan, do you have any advice for me to follow? 

**Anko:** Run through trees really fast, and uh, whatever it is ya eat, make sure it's high volume, low fat. (laughs) What do you eat, anyway?

**Zabuza:** Chemicals, tacos, fajitas, chimichangas, quesadillas, burritos, refried beans, flan, sopapillas, cheese dip, the speedy with beans, hot tamales...

**Anko:** Well, that's what we eat too. Hey, it's the same thing. We're all eating chemicals.

**Zabuza:** Yes, they help me do my job.

**Anko:** And what do you do?

**Zabuza:** I kill people for money.

**Anko:** ...Oh.

(Überschüssiger Käse:9.ramm./rref/(Frequency 105.3 / Allocation 13 / Velocity ;8 / Transmission :0 / Surplus Cheese :9/Howto/make-those-unloving-moo-cows/review-my-goddamn-fanfics.htm)

* * *

Kiryami-san, For what it counts, most of my friends would aggree with you. 

As for **my **opinion, I must **pretend** to be neutral on _**that**_ matter as the rest of our kind would do horrible things to my head, and perhaps even make certain my family will receive phone calls instructing them to love me less now.

Who will buy me Sims2: Nightlife then? I NEED MY SIMS 24 HOURS A DAY! I AM FORFIETING MY YOUTH AND THIS ENTIRE SUMMER I SWEAR AGAINST THE GODS I CANT STOP PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME

* * *

Heheh, those sims sure are flamable. 


End file.
